


Let the monsters see you smile

by FoolishAngel1987



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Coming Out, Gen, Light Angst, Michael Grant is awesome, Self-Esteem Issues, being proud of yourself, good advice, mentoring, pride month, self worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24800539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987
Summary: **had to reupload this fic.... sorry for the inconvenience **Of all the people he thought that could be outside his door, a very nervous and frantic looking Evan Buckley was not one of them. Michael stared at him for a second before he remembered his manners and went to speak but Buck beat him to it.“I'm bisexual.”When Buck shows up at Michael's apartment in need of guidance, the ensuing conversation changes Buck's life forever
Comments: 5
Kudos: 65





	Let the monsters see you smile

Michael was in the middle folding laundry when he heard a rapid knocking at the door of his apartment. He frowned, trying to remember if he had forgotten that someone was supposed to drop by today. Maybe May and Harry were here, or even Athena and Bobby. But they all had their own keys and would just let themselves in without knocking. And anyway, usually in their circle a text was sent when someone was on their way. A quick glance at his phone showed there was no message, so he set the piles of clothes in the laundry basket and went to open the door, still trying to figure out who it could be. Did he order takeout and just forgot? He did that sometimes. Another knock came and the sound of shuffling feet reached his ears as he grabbed the door knob. Of all the people he thought that could be outside his door, a very nervous and frantic looking Evan Buckley was not one of them. Michael stared at him for a second before he remembered his manners and went to speak but Buck beat him to it.

“I'm bisexual.” Buck said quickly not bothering to start with a greeting and instead just went with what was obviously the most prevalent thing in his mind, blurting the words out so fast that they almost ran together incoherently. There was a look of panic that crossed his features once the words left his mouth and for a second, Michael thought that the taller man would actually turn and run.

“Um congratulations?” Michael said, giving him a thumbs up because he didn't know what else to say. This was not what he had been expecting when he opened the door and he had been taken by surprise big time. He glanced at Buck and then motioned behind him to the kitchen. “Do you want to...”

“Yes.” Buck walked past him without letting him finish and Michael had to fight back a fit of laughter because even though it was kind of amusing, this was not the time to be having a lighthearted response when Buck was clearly looking for someone to talk to. He didn't know why Buck had chosen him, but he had and Michael was going to try and help him if he could.Buck was standing by the island by the time Michael closed the door and joined him in the kitchen. The young firefighter was drumming his fingers on the counter top, looking sheepish and almost ashamed. “Sorry I just kind of laid that on you. It was kind of rude I guess.”

“I mean yea it was surprising. But not rude, so don't worry about it.” Michael waved off his apology and went to the fridge to grab two bottles of water and slid once across the island to Buck, who smiled gratefully. Michael took a few sips of water before saying. “So I'm guessing that was the first time you said those words out loud to another person.”

“What makes you say that?” Buck fiddled with the bottle cap, his eyes down at his hands and a frown filling his face.

“Because you obviously have been thinking about it a lot and then just show up randomly at my door and the first thing you say to me is not hi or if you could come in, but that you were bisexual. It was like you needed to get those words out so badly and were worried if you didn't then you would never have the courage to say them.” Michael pointed out, watching Buck's face relax slightly and he knew he had hit the nail on the head. He felt bad for the kid, he remembered his own coming out and how hard that had been for him to come to terms with and that was just within himself. Telling everyone else was another thing. But it was a different kind of turmoil trying to come out to yourself. And Michael knew he had to approach this delicately. “Am I right?”

“You're right.”Buck nodded, sighing heavily and dropped his head into his hands. “I mean, I guess it was always kind of in the back of my mind. I just...”

“Didn't want to face it? Yea I know the feeling.” Michael did know that feeling well and he wouldn't wish that on anyone. The anguish and confusion and the second guessing was overwhelming at times and could drive anyone crazy. “But you said the words. How does that feel?”

“Uh, still strange.” He admitted, looking up with a grimace. “Does that ever go away?”

“Eventually.” Michael said, walking around the island to sit at one of the bar stools a few feet away from Buck. “You get used to it as you become comfortable with your own truth.”

Buck nodded again but didn't say anything. He just turned to look out the window, his eyes showing that mind was already somewhere else. Michael watched him for a second, wondering just how long Buck had been sitting with this on his own. Did his sister know? Any of his friends at the 118? Anyone at all?

“Buck?” Michael waited until Buck drew himself out of his thoughts andhis eyes were on him. He turned the words over in his head before asking. “Why did you come to me? I mean we know each other and all. But why not your sister? Or Hen?”

“Because they're too close to me.” Buck shrugged his shoulders. “I know it would make more sense if I had gone to them to come out. But I thought it would be easier if it was with someone I knew but wasn't as close to.”

“I don't mind that it was me. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to say those words.” Michael told him and he meant it. He never thought he would be the kind of person that other people would open up to about something so personal. Even if it was about something as similar as sexuality between them. And if he was being honest, he always pictured Buck as someone who didn't hold anything back and just put himself out there, not a care in the world. But as he looked at the taller man sitting across from him with his shoulders hunched and looking smaller than he should, Michael knew that wasn't the case. Buck obviously held more back then the world realized. “Why did you chose now?”

“I don't know. Maybe because it's Pride month and all that and seeing all those posts on social media made things start to stir in the back of my mind...” Buck rubbed the tip of his nose with a finger, almost in a calming gesture. “I don't know how to be like that.”

“Like what?”

“Proud of who I am.” Buck pressed his lips together tightly. “ I mean, saying that I am bisexual is one thing. But I wouldn't even begin to know how to be like that in public. People are just so....”

“Unpredictable? Cruel? Heartless?” Michael asked, watching Buck nod quickly in agreement and he couldn't help but frown. “I wish I could tell you that you won't ever encounter people like that, but unfortunately you will.”

“Great.” Buck muttered, leaning forward so his elbows were on the counter. “I mean I knew people were like that, but I guess I was hoping that in 2020 we would have evolved.”

“People have evolved, at least some have. But other people haven't. There has been progress and there has been setbacks. But things have changed.” Michael told him, trying to inject as much hope into his voice as he could. “It's not the same as it was 40 years ago or even 20 years ago.”

“It's just terrifying. Sharing a part of yourself and having people hate you for something you can't control.” Buck said more to himself then to Michael. “It's not fair.”

“No it's not.” Michael agreed. There was nothing more to say to that because it really wasn't fair. No person can help who they love or don't love. No one can help how they identify. And yet so many people will try and behave as if there is something so wrong and sinister about that. It doesn't matter if it has nothing to do with anyone else; complete strangers will take it upon themselves to be offended simply because they cannot fathom a world where most of the population does not identify as they do. And that scares them and they will act out in the hopes of some how diminishing the differences so they can go back to being comfortable. Michael looked at Buck. “But that doesn't mean you should have to hide yourself. When you feel ready, you should be able to go out there and be open about who you are.”

“I guess you know better than anyone. At least out of the people I know.” Buck replied and Michael had to agree. It hadn't been all that long since he came out and since then he had been finding different ways of becoming comfortable with his true self and sometimes even he was surprised at how far he had come in that short amount of time. It had taken until he was middle age before he could tell the truth about himself, but he had done it. And now he got to live the life had always wanted to have. Maybe he would meet someone. Maybe he would meet a lot of someones. Maybe he would fall in love again one day. The world was so much bigger and beautiful and exciting now that he had come to terms with his sexuality. And he hoped that Buck got to experience that too. 

“Does anyone know? Any family?” Michael asked, remembering that Buck didn't have many people outside of his job and he was curious if the parents Buck didn't often reference had any idea. But seeing the way Buck's face practically shuttered shut in pain, Michael knew it had been the wrong thing to say. “Not Maddie? Not your...”

“Maddie doesn't know, maybe she suspects but she hasn't said anything. My parents, I think had a feeling....” Buck had to force the words out, sounding like they pained him just to say. Their eyes met and he could see the anguish in Buck's expression. “My parents weren't exactly open with anyone who wasn't straight and cisgender. So they tried to stomp that out if they ever got a whiff of it.”

“Damn.” Michael felt that old flare of frustration rise up inside of him and it took everything in him not to lash out in anger at the world. It was a story he had heard many times before. He didn't press further and Buck didn't elaboratebut it was obvious that some painful things had gone down in Buck's past that caused him to repress the truth about himself for so many years. He may not have been as close to Buck, but man was a good person and Michael wanted to help him through all this. But he knew that the best he could hope to do was to use his words and Buck had to do the rest. Buck couldn't go through life with a human barrier around him to keep him safe. He would always have people there to fight with him and help him, but ultimately Buck was going to have to be his own savior and advocate. Michael drummed his fingers on the counter and said “If they made you feel like there was something wrong with you because of who you are, then they are terrible people.”

“I know.” Buck nodded with a shrug, his voice quiet and timid like a child. “I just still wish things had been different. That they hadn't hated me.”

“If they suspected that you weren't straight and hated you for that, then they didn't deserve to be your parents. If you become a parent, then you're suppose to love that child unconditionally. You don't get to pick and choose the only aspects that you are willing to tolerate. When you have kids, you love them no matter what; not just when they are straight and cis. You love them for everything that they are and everything they are not. It's as simple as that.”

“It would be nice if the whole world had that same perspective.” Buck rolled his eyes,taking a sip of water. “But not everyone is going to be open or even tolerable.”

“I won't lie, once you come out there will always be some asshole who will look at you like you are something disgusting stuck to the bottom of their shoe.” Michael said, wishing that wasn't the case but it wouldn't help Buck to pretend that the entire world would embrace him. He needed to be prepared.“There will be insults. There will be confrontations. People will be just waiting for the moment to try and hurt you. People will not be nice and they will be loud and vocal about it.”

“Fantastic, something to look forward to.” Buck grumbled, looking so helpless that it ignited something in Michael's heart and he wanted to yell when the defeatist look appeared in Buck's eyes. 

“Hey Buck?”

“Yea?”

“I'm going to say something and I want you to listen.” Michael told the younger man, his tone more seriously then it had been this whole conversation.“I want you to hear what I am saying and really take it to heart.”

“Ok.” 

“People like that think that we're monsters. For people like me, it was because we looked different. Then it was because we loved different. And horrible, homophobic people love using that to beat us down and make us small because it makes them feel powerful and big. That's what they want- to see you ashamed of who you are and to walk away with your tail tucked between your legs, And let me tell you, there will be times when you want to do just that, run away and hide. Don't let them do that, don't let them make you small. Don't let them make you feel like there is something wrong about you. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You hear me?”

Buck nodded, not saying a word but Michael could tell his words were reaching him so he went on.

“There is nothing wrong with any of us. And the things that do set us apart only serve to make us that much more beautiful and interesting. And that's never a bad thing. And the people who relish in pointing out these differences like they're a bad thing or something to be feared or ashamed of- they are the monsters, not us. Never us.”

“Thanks Michael, that actually helps a lot.” Buck said with the smallest of smile and even though he didn't look anywhere close to being at peace, Michael had the gut feeling that he was on his way. He would be alright. Buck sat up straight, his hands clasped between his knees lie a child. “I don't know what I'm suppose to do now. But I guess I feel better at figuring it out then I did before.”

“Well you don't have to do anything right away. You can go at your own pace. But whatever you decide to do; you do it with pride. You walk tall and be proud of yourself, because there is plenty to be proud of. People will try to knock you down, make you scared and wanting to cry. You push through that. Their opinions are nothing; don't waste your time and energy on it. Let them rage and be disgusting because THAT is shameful. Not us.” Michael shot a smile at Buck and for the first time since he arrived, Buck smiled back at him- bright and true.

“I'll keep that in mind.” Buck said, his hand going to his back pocket and pulling out his buzzing phone. “I have a shift in an hour. I should head out.”

“Yea I have stuff to do too.” Michael almost groaned at the piles of laundry still needing to be folded and the paper work sitting untouched on his desk. It was going to be a long day. “I'll walk you to the door.”

“Hey Michael?” Buck stopped just as he turned the handle and opened the door. Buck had a frown on his face and his eyes were filled with apprehension. “What we talked about... that stays between us?”

“Your secret is safe with me. It will be ok.”

“I hope so.” Buck scratched the back of his neck and stepped out into the hallway, turning back to face him before he walked off. “I know it won't be smooth sailing, but I think I can face it now.”

“You'll do fine.” Michael assured him, reaching out quickly to squeeze his shoulder. “And Buck? Remember how I said those bad people in the world will tryand bring you down and you don't need to be ashamed because you're not the monster and they are?”

“Yea.”

“Let the monsters see you smile.” He said with a grin, a matching one appearing on Buck's face. “It will be their worst nightmare.”

“Oh I will....I definitely will.”

{**}-{**}

Michael didn't hear anything through the grapevine of their friend group for a while so he wasn't sure if Buck had come out to anyone yet, but he had stayed true to his word and kept their conversation to himself and gave no indication that he knew anything. Buck didn't come back to speak to him again, but anytime he saw the blonde firefighter in the past few weeks, he looked like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulder. He was going to be just fine no matter what he decided to do. 

One day, he had stopped off at the 118 to drop off something for Bobby from Athena and as he stepped out of his car, he spotted Buck's jeep a few spots over. He intended to walk by without a second thought but something caught his eyes and made him stop. As he stared at the interior of the car, he couldn't help but smile before he started walking again, thinking about what he had seen.

Hanging from the rear view mirror of Buck's jeep was a tiny bisexual flag, small but unmistakably a proclamation of who he is and the pride he now felt like sharing with the world. Evan Buckley was not hiding anymore. And the world better watch out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this. I hope it brings a smile to your face or at least some comfort if you are needing it.
> 
> Happy Pride Month to all you beautiful Kings and Queens !!


End file.
